I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
