Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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