yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
