Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
