i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
