true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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