Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
