Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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