last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
