Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
