A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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