I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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