You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
