he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
