By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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