tell your sister to shave her snatch
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Pants are for mortals
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
