you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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