remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
