It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
