This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
