I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
