I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
