OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
