You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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