I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
