I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
