How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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