I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Green mimosas i think yes
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
