Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
