yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
