My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
