That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
