Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
