I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
