6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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