It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
