I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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