Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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