thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
