So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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