Yo dont text me then not text me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
