just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pants are for mortals
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