ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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