I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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