I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
