I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
