I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
