The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
