I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
