Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
