I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
